today i missed my mother alot for a long time. these few days its been a recurrent, niggling feeling. i know that missing someone is a greedy behaviour of sorts, and i try to not do it, but today i opened her drawer and touched the things which were in it. there were these little papers with people’s phone numbers written on it in her pristine tentative script. there were the redpackets from Godknowswhen, one plastic wrapper stacked on top of another. there were those small pink goldsmith cases, and photos and purses and the medicated oil smell, still strong.
then i went to open the sewing drawer to look for beads (found none) and i dont know how we did it, but the drawer hardly changed from five years ago. and the drawer with all the photoalbums and i found those when she looked so pretty and young and i wished i look more like her so it would be like im carrying more of her with me around everyday.
after dinner i went outside in search of a photo-developing shop for hedi whos leaving tmr, but i couldnt find one at greenridge, and had to walk across the canal to look for one in fajar. i took the longer way and it was the way we always walked after school when i was in p5/6, before they erected the new bridge which brought us straight from our block to the other side of the canal without making the big round.
id always thought i could do this– or rather, that i have to do this (THERE IS NO OPTION), but when i miss her i miss her until my scalp itches, until i want to cry myself to death, until all the why-me angst turns my brain into soup.