i cannot remember when i had grown immune to being alone in the house. not that my dads not around, but when he is he is often dead tired and we only get one or two hours of dinner/tv-time together, then he goes to sleep and because my bio clock is so screwed up it feels like im right alone until the wee hours of the morning when i go to sleep. so inbetween its msn and the internet, lousy teen dramas, lofty dreams and pretty words to fill my head until it gets tired and then the next day, the same. id never been at the receiving end of this loneliness the house emanates because the previous few summers id always been more out of the house than in the house, doing shit in kentridgepark or ecp or wherever and when i get home i sleep. all these writing on the walls, hauling armchairs back from ikea, filling up my room with photos and paintings and flowers and picnicbaskets are not really helping. these days i sit in my room browsing etsy pages and wavering in my determination in the « room overhaul » because i am not very sure what i am doing anymore. even bang and olufsen speakers and the best music in the world cannot fill up the house when it is empty

id never really thought so, but i think right now im dead jealous of people with big bustling families. when dinners are proper things, not takeaways and eaten at the table at the same time and not separately in their rooms. i wish there are people in the house for me to talk to or go out with. i get sick of calling people and running out to town when i feel like i need company, because sometimes i feel like im making use of people to fill up that missing something inside


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  1. bo

    I know. There have been periods of time when my family is like that as well. I’m sure everyone who is not so lucky to have a big and bustling yet peaceful family experiences the same thing every now and then. « every household has a Buddhist mantra that is difficult to understand ». I’m so proud of my translation. 🙂
    YES I felt the same way. Like every now and then I have to be surrounded by people if not I’d feel so empty and as if I’m the loneliest creature in the world. I used to pack my days, so packed that I wouldn’t have any time to think of such things. I loved to go out at night because that’s when loneliness hits you the hardest. Sometimes you wonder what you can do about the situation, because there is no escape from it. Do we HAVE to face the same thing everyday? Is it going to be like this forever? NO. It will get better. Your dad will probably be the happiest if you find a good job or something so that your dad can take a break from the hardwork…?Then everyything will change…I’m also working my butt off for that change……..:( although theoretically, um, there are many flaws in the dynamics of the family. Anyway I miss my dad, he is the greatest guy in this world!

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