a rush of blood to the head

4 hours and 22 mins before the start of my first lect, i like to lie on my bed (face-up), pull my blanket over my eyes and listen to my itunes. under the blanket amongst the weaves and threads i can see the lights and into my head goes whichever loud and/or emo song whichs playing on random and it feels very good really. i realised its during times like this, and when im plugged in while on the bus or something when i really know what im listening to, like really hear the lyrics and then i fall in love with my songs all over again. the same ones id heard probably a gazillion times over while browsing notcot and facebook and sgselltrade but really never knew what theyre screeching about. the other day at 10ish after i was done running i laid down on one of the many stonebenches downstairs right beside the canal and 9 crimes was playing on random and its all very enjoyable with the nightbreeze and me trying to figure out which are the stars and which are the satellites.

i do find it particularly easier to appreciate my life when im alone ! hahaa nonetheless, islandcreamery and wheatchips and fries and dietcoke with su was a blast just now, thankGod for girlfriends*

oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
im getting old and I need something to rely on.
so, tell me when you gonna let me in,
im getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
so if you have a minute why don’t we go,
talk about it somewhere only we know?
this could be the end of everything.
so why dont we go, so why dont we go (somewhere only we know).

away

okay whatever im done.

enough to fly with you

i have very mixed feelings about having crushes – the state of being irrational and truly retarded about someone who possibly does not really care about your existence. in a way its oh-so-invigorating knowing just sneaking a peek at someone can send you into hyperventilating spasms, and dingdingbingo and ohmyGodimustbedreaming-itis when you actually get to exchange afew lines with him. sharing the same room and breathing the same air is freaking luxurious and then theres MSN. torturous MSN time at night when looking forward to seeing That MSN Nick pop up online when you sign in, then wait with bated breath for That MSN Nick to come say hi (omg please just hi ! dont make me the one initiating conversation again !).

and then you realise he doesnt really care if youre online, probably doesnt know your nickname, and youre really just One of His Friends and whats your name again? I DONT GET IT, how is it possible for someone to think about another being so much but still have the latter not notice ? everyone should have some radar attached for the fronts of their heads telling how much they like one another, translate that physical attraction into some tangible and readable and please stop this mindgame rubbish cant we just come upfront and tell each other I LIKE YOU or I DONT LIKE YOU so we dont have to live our lives guessing what the other is thinking about.

veryvery tiring, this crushing thing.

im going to uninstall MSN)):

watch you spin around in your highest heels

nicked this off someones fb:

‘Nothing is stranger, more delicate, than the relationship between people who know each other only by sight – who encounter and observe each other daily, even hourly, and yet are compelled by the constraint of convention or by their own temperament to keep up the pretence of being indifferent strangers, neither greeting nor speaking to each other. Between them is uneasiness and overstimulated curiosity, the nervous excitement of an unsatisfied, unnaturally suppressed need to know and to communicate; and above all, too, a kind of strained respect’ Thomas Mann

i like.

just like any fool who ever breathed

im possibly going to die of (heartbreak and) fatigue and an overdose of chasing cars. and oh, expired yogurt. this elusive thing called emo-ism comes up often these days, breeding amongst the people around me and, by osmosis, in me a coupla times. especially with an awful overdose of The C/lubroom and the people (oh God, the people) within i had to run and hide in the toilets or steal time away drinking cokelight by myself in the canteen.

i may just be feeling particularly melodramatic, or i could really be dying. NOT HAPPY. help)):

midnight bakery

fourthirty in the morning; four batches of smittenkitchen’s peanut butter cookies. nothing beats baking at night when your head is spinning. these are goodshites too, the best pbcookies since the oat ones i tried at allrecipes ages ago. my room smells like pb and roasted nuts now. hmm(:

dance little marionette/ are you happy now ?

oh, baby, it’s alright now, u aint gotta flaunt for me
if we go touch, you can still touch my love, it’s free
we can work without the perks just u and me
thug it out til we get it right
baby if u strip, you can get a tip
’cause I like you just the way you are
i’m about to strip and i’m well equipped
can u handle me the way im are?
i don’t need the G’s or the car keys
boy I like you just the way you are
let me see you strip, you can get a tip
’cause i like you just the way you are

raunchy techno music works best at near full-volume with in-ear plugins when youre taking a two-hour walk home. on repeat mode, walk against the traffic and its million yellow headlights, past people jogging past bus-waiters at the busstop, into coldstorage to get a buncha randoms (peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, nutella, butter), exit, into salvation army hoping to thrift something, nothing, exit. against the traffic.

just walk.

over something which i (technically, have zilch to do with), i was mulling, thinking, feeling disappointed, upset, disgusted -perplexed to say the least. the big HOW word. the big WHY word. sometimes i felt so sick to the stomach, i wanted to sit down by the roadside; sometimes something comes up to the throat and it chokes; sometimes other things flood into mind and i get distracted for awhile; other times i felt dumb cos really, whats this gotta do with me. but above all rises a big sigh- for a friend i like a whole lot, for someone i feel so much heartache for. we all wish sometimes we can change the world, or heal some, or help the closest, but most times we cant cos we’re really pinpricks in this humongous place.

fever you cant sweat out

everythings going well. for the first time, ive gotten all the mods i wanted on my timetable, even those without preallocation. so its visual images, visual media, french3, the level3000 politics mod and my level2 core this sem. i just (okay maybe not just, since its been more than 24hours since i trudged back home, the battered remains of a mosquito feast) survived a camp, complete with frisbee-throwing, steps-scaling and a tragic lack of sleep. more than a physical workout (hahaa) its been good hanging out with the s/portsclub people and talking late into the night and playing dumbass games and well, its been a great few days definitely. also, i “have been selected by the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences for the Student Exchange Programme (SEP) to the Assigned Partner University”. sweetly, id been assigned my firstchoice i.e. paris-dauphine. and i just talked to my old man about the whole sep thing and hes adequately supportive.

i think im reallyhappy ! things are going great and im in sep and all-things-yay. maybe i need some time for everything to sink in, cos im not quite feeling as exuberant as i wouldve thought i would be. whats wrong man.

paperweight

as it is, 2007 has come and gone, somewhere between some rapidfire of text messages, some generic some forwarded some sweet and personal, and kim’s elimination (aw kim ! my androgynous kim im fond of !), people popped champagne and danced under fireworks and celebrated the birth of the newyear.

and okay i lied in the previous post kinda, cos 2007 hadnt been that much of a blast. more like a spinning whirl- i cant believe so many things i remembered happened within the short span of a year ! the number of people id come into contact with, the number of people id worked with, the experiences, the stupid clubroom and how i’ll be stuck there for the next few months. its been bittersweet somewhat, this whole s/portsclub experience, like right now i know i dont quite appreciate being in it but one enlightening day in the future i know i’ll be glad i busied myself in my second year.

in 2007 i 1. made a conscious effort to stay at home more and have more dinners with the old man 2. realized my growing distaste for negative emotions (crazy, but true ! these monstrosities are time- and energy-wasting, bigtime) 3. found it easier to slap a smile on my face in appropriate situations 4. had to deal with time management 5. really start to like what im studying. in 2008 i will try to 1. pick up phonecalls and return messages 2. be punctual and really just 3. love myself alittle more and treat myself alittle better.

sometimes we never know how much time had passed until we sit down and count the years. today i realised its been 10 years since i moved out of jurongwest, 8 years since i met myLovelys, 3 years since i lost my mum and 1.5 years since i came into uni. all these milestones, these landmarks, these things which mark my life and made me who i am. i think im thankful cos it couldve been worse, and im definitely thankful for the people id met so far, even the annoying ones cos those helped me in my quest to better control my temper ha ha.

2008 better be good. dont annihilate that eternal optimist in me.