the crematorium with its many buildings probably holds the most number of poignant memories. i saw a “dear daddy, happy birthday” note (signed by 3 children), a 34yearold guy with the most charming smile -the kind who looks like he can have everything he want plus a goodlooking girlfriend, a 14yearold placed side by side with his mother, and mr wee kim wee. when i walked down the aisle i couldnt help being kaypoh and wondering what’re the stories behind those cement slabs, what they wouldve been if theyre still like you and me, whether their families are done grieving and do they visit often.
personally i dont quite get visiting the crematorium for qingming cos it all comes down to a cement slab with my mums vital information but then when i look at the grey slab i still feel very sad (thats why i look at all the others instead and imagine the stories behind those while we waited for the incense sticks to burn away).
its been hot, but when it rains it poursss and today it poured.
after the crematorium i went to ntuc to look for what i was craving for but i couldnt figure out exactly what it was so i walked out emptyhanded. but i bought a waffle and ate 2 breadtalk breads after and i felt fat so i skipped dinner but now im littlebit hungry. hahaaa.
its funny how there’re friends you had been with for afew years at least, but they always feel like new friends- shaky, unstable, unpredictable and Foreign. and then there’re those you’d probably just met, but everything feels strangely right and you know you can call them out for tea and a muffin or two when you want to. just like there’re people you dont have to meet all the time to feel comfortable enough to do things insane, and there’re people you meet everywhere you turn but Somethings Not There and theyll never make it past the big A (for Acquaintance) though everything elses a-okay.
today i realised id been living in the past ! my cell’s calender been in year2006 ! and even though i always felt somethings wrong (like meetings happening a day later than when i thought theyd be) it didnt cross my mind id been living in 2006 :/
cos of that i was more than alittle shagged aft, and forsook the bi retreat after tuition ha ha i was really intending to go for post-dinner ! esp if theyre going kbox but id overestimated myself. i sorta wish im there– after all, the last time we are officially together as A Committee but then again ha ha its gonna take alot more than mooshy sentimentalism to drag my butt out of my house. i miss the bicomm ! its a great pity that id just gotten to get used to quite afew of the members and poof the events over and everythings ended and we arent a committee anymore. one of those groups of people you know will never get together for dinner just because, cos we’re not just not that close yet. on retrospect id learned so much from bi07 and the people who made bi07, even though it had been a hair-tearing and nail-biting experience most of the time(: i dont really know where came this thrust to engage myself with such enthusiasm at such activities, this burst very much out of my character, but while its here i think i better make the most of it, before i grow weary and indifferent again ha ha.
im unbelievably screwed up inside. on sheer impulse, and cos id been trying to get back to dieting the past few days, i had fries, meepok and calbee prawn crackers one after another, all in the span of afew hours. like all the things id been craving for but didnt dare eat cos i am, to quote myself, at war with my fats. then i accidentally fell asleep, woke up at 5, peed, remembered what i had eaten, and couldnt sleep at all cos i remembered what i had eaten and kept thinking of how much (uncountable) calories i had ingested and how much those had offset what i had eaten (or not eaten) for these few days and i tossed and turned for 90minutes. until, i woke up for greentea in a bid to counteract the shit thats in me (nevermind it doesnt make sense) and start on my INDIVIDUAL polscience presentation later (which im dead for). one key point to note may be that this would be the second tutorial im going for this whole sem. are you freaking out for me yet.
other things which substantiate my lack of mental normality may be the need for an overwhelming amount of sleep despite mountains of work, a shit academic attitude (i keep thinking of ways to get out of the presentation, instead of starting on the damned thing) and mild periodic anxiety attacks when i check my cell after id left it in my bag for a long time (1 missed call from the bi deputyprojectdirector, 3 from the projectdirector wtf/ 6 textmessages !! my heart stopped beating thinking im prolly in big trouble -like forgetting to get back at a dissatisfied participant or $4857495870000 ’s missing from the treasury and its all my fault but whew all friendly messages from nette, chongs, and this girl from school (: ). once i woke up i checked my email and true enough there’re people to call. hahaha :/
tuesday ive a polscience midterm, which im ill-studied for. tonight its dinner with myLovelys, saturday a whole line-up of tuition (their exams are coming and theyre not doing fantastic), saturday night my cousin’s 21st, sundays free, mondays school from 4-8, tuesdays The Day. i dont know why man i cant take t h e s e . i dont think im cut out to be an undergrad.
its time to breathe and be happy. the biathlons FINALLLYYYY over (minus debrief and post-events but im definitely muchhh freer now) and it was a huge success, apparently. i wouldnt know cos im err at the enquiries booth half the time. and there’re sweet people dropping sweet messages in both our email box and my cell phone telling us it was a great event and well done and those made me float up into the sky(: and my lit papers over. my socialpsych papers over. my french orals over.
