different names for the same thing

ever since taking on l/oysels i’d felt alot. disappointment and shame when my cakes crap up, fatigue– so much fatigue–, insouciance during work, and alot of regret especially when the fatigue hits. my cakes are my pride and babies but i must say there are times when i want to throw myself on the floor and thrash around like a big brat. because i dont want to measure out flour anymore and i dont want to CUT THIS FRIGGIN’ CAKE INTO 10 SLICES. I CAN’T DO IT AND I AM RISKING MY SANITY

i wanted to write something about how much i am looking forward to my little french vacation in two weeks, but i guess i just cant get over the fact that between then and now sits 12 carrot cakes. which means another trip to phoonhuat to pick up more walnuts, cream cheese, boxes and liners. that, and 12 more times of cutting a crumbly cake into 10 slices. 12 more times of risking people being unhappy about my cakes. i am spoilt and i cannot take rejection

also, after france, would like to not go back to work and that toxic environment. i have that clone of a resignationletter sitting pretty on my green box but i dont think i will have the balls to hand it over tomorrow. i do not even think it will end up in my bag when i pack in the morning

on that note, i do hope that i will remember to bring the charger

the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
amen.

;reinhold niebuhr

blackbird, fly

i am so happy glee had turned itself into something more than a silly, silly show with headbopping numbers. when i first started it, eons ago, the epic pilot with the most zesty and two-dimensional characters, i loved it for the mindnumbing feelgoodness: sue sylvester is deliciously evil, the glee members very stereotypical but amazing voices, schuester looks like orlandobloom. then came the crazy wife, the teen pregnancy storyline which sometimes turn painful to watch, and the themed episodes which fall flat even to the most loyal glee fans.

then come the plot-driven episodes which is self-reflexive, surprisingly insightful, and so real. i appreciate the backstories given to the entire cast and i love getting unlikely characters to be regulars. comparing klaine/brittana to brokeback may be excessive for many, but i see them like that. these are relationships which give a voice to the underdogs of society and pay tribute to love as a notion. it is not like they’re forced into the spotlight– glee doesn’t sensationalise or leverage on homosexuality as a trend topic, but explores instead its nuances quite like any other relationship. as well is the attention given to kurt-burt, sue sylvester’s backstory, and artie. i love how they did artie, handi-capable but every bit like the other boy. i hate gushing but this episode lifted me up. its always nice to know that some tv people put thought into their storylines. i feel like the glee writers are right amongst us, scribbling the next episodes based on our judgement and what life really is like. thats a nice feeling

it appears that im generally tired. i shit you not. id only been up for one hour, answered a grand total of .. 5 emails, read through the amended press release and now im resisting every urge of my feeble body to lie down on the bed again. i do not quite have reason to be exhausted– this week was quite a good, resty week– but

im exhausted. i want to sleep this period away. for once i cannot pinpoint what is the problem, and hence there is no solution. i dont know what to do because i dont know what to do about what

yummylicious

dear

yummylicious is not a word. as it is i have enough issues with delicious. what is yummylicious, what.

and dear is just condescending. shut up.

it may just be that its too hard for me to sustain an interest long enough to not get bored after awhile. afterall, i remember that time at the coffeeshop– i was one of the few who raised their hands tentatively to express their preference of writing over liaising with the media. it is still true. i would choose writing over pandering to the media anytime. however, at the same time, i would love to feel like its not like i cannot do the latter but that i choose to do the former. right now it just feels like i got relegated to being the writer/researcher. it’s never been about how happy i am, but how much i want to feel needed. im not that miffed really, maybe just abit disgruntled. this is a phase which will pass in abit, im very sure. all these phases do. i just need to wait.

short circuit

dad said the johnsons&johnsons baby cream would make my fungal infection better so we grabbed two bottles after dinner. i just slathered them on and fungi or not, it smells so good i want to roll around in it. like powder and cleanliness, or the white lux bar of soap which makes you squeaky clean. such an amazing alternative to ridiculous 98$ of chloe edts

its 4am and i am not sleeping because 1. period 2. slept the wholeeee day away, carried away by the thrill of an entire work-free week ahead. but now dredged down by the fact that i must finish the minutes i shamefully left undone on friday afternoon, after a/shley left to finish up her christmas shopping. there are also emails undone, a great big desire to job-hop, my dire financial straits, and a miscellaneous heart-bugger

that day i tried out this “my year in 2010″ facebook status app. it is very curious that a great number of my statuses are still very applicable. i still take buses with coins, and i still am very much bothered by my procrastination and people who type way too loudly. i hope this doesnt mean i havent grown this year

how long before i crack

gobbledegook

sometime in my life, when ive earned a comfortable amount of money, i am going to take a year off and be that au pair in france. when i can earn my keep i will earn my right to spend time where i want to, and i look forward to opening my windows to see a clear blue sky every morning, knowing what follows is only a day of listening to people speaking french. that one year off, i am going to see so much and i am going to spend so much time with myself. i will keep in touch with friends and family at night, but in the day its mostly going to be fresh faces and a whole new world. i will spend time being mortified that i cannot speak french well enough, i will spend too long grappling with a language im uncomfortable with, and i will be eager to impress the french family i will be attached to. i hope there will be a lake around, somewhere i can buoy along on a giant float on a humid summer day.

i have great, great plans; i will make sure they materialise

ballad of big nothing

2010 is a year of change. when i was in school i thought even if we start working, even as we transit from student-hood to work-hood, everything will kinda still stay the same. we will think the same, dress the same, talk the same, be the same– just that the things we do in the day would be different. why would things be different? we are intelligent, we know what we want out of the job, we know a job is just a job. we are intelligent and we are different from people and we are invincible.

i feel like so much had happened. people had come and gone, my patience had run out for some, im fighting to keep many. id found realised new things about myself (many deplorable and discouraging) and others (still, deplorable and discouraging). i need to bake for my livelihood even more now.

between the last post and now seems like forever. krabi and its beautiful sunset feels like lifetimes away. id literally been through an internship. id loved and hated and dreaded and regretted work. work makes people ugly. it makes people self-centered and go on and on and on about themselves and their work and how much work sucks. it becomes the go-to topic for every dreary dinner conversation. it is the reason why we hate and love. it defines when we sleep and when we wake up. it is the reason we buy clothes, or dont buy clothes. it is how you judge people. it gives banality a whole new meaning. you can fight with your life and deny this, but it is true: you are your work and youre only even resisting it because it is such a formidable force.

i am sick of work and ready to move on.